Lately

This has been an odd month.  In some ways it's been lovely and in others it's just been hectic. 

At the beginning of the month, I found myself restless and going out practically every night.  During that process, I did make a wonderful new friend although I'm afraid he seeks something more than friendship.  I hate having that talk with male friends.  The whole trite "I like you, but not in that way" thing sounds so ridiculous and childish, but I've yet to come up with anything better.  I also hate that men and women are so overwhelmed by our hormones these days that we can barely be friends.  Something more is always expected, then when one party doesn't want anything more, the second party gets pissed off or their feelings are hurt and you're no longer friends.  I hate that.  I get along with men much better than women, but I don't want to sleep with all of my male friends, so they get bored once they realize it ain't happening and then I lose yet another good friend.  Anyway, I'm hoping he'll understand and maybe we won't have to have the talk, but I ain't holding my breath.

A couple weeks ago, I went to Chattanooga to walk around, take pictures, and do a little research for one of my novels.  That was wonderful.  I love Chattanooga and if I ever manage to get enough stuff paid off and if I can get over my fear of uprooting, I want to move there.  I got a lot of great pictures and good ideas and clearer visions of the novel in question.  I plan to go back soon to get a little more done.  I went with my new friend mentioned above, and while wonderful fun, I didn't get as much work done as I'd like to have.  I think I'll stay overnight next time too.  I also plan to borrow my parents' new house (that they have furnished but haven't moved into yet) in the mountains (Northeast Georgia) to stay and do some research for another novel.  Really looking forward to that too.

Last week, I found myself getting incredibly annoyed with work.  Nothing major happened and I didn't get overstressed or anything.  I just lost my patience with every aspect of my job.  Because I know this isn't where I belong, and I know this isn't the best use of my time.  But I do have to pay my bills and the only way to do that is to keep slaving away like the drone I've become.  I can usually deal with it pretty well as long as I have other things to amuse me during my free time and as long as I can continue to write and live, but I have my moments when I just resent the day Man came up with the brilliant idea of currency.  I'm sure that innocent little cave-dweller had no idea it would one day rule the lives of his descendants. 

The past couple weeks, I've discovered a need to chill and to have some time to myself - enough to maybe get some things done.  But all through this, there have been invitations to hang out, good visits with Dodd, bad visits with Dodd, arguments with Dodd, and peals of laughter with Dodd.  Has left me little time to relax. 

Really needing a day off from everything and everybody except the pen and my characters.  I keep getting this feeling like the only way I will ever find any sense of contentment with my career/life is to finish and publish a novel.  I HAVE TO FINISH SOMETHING SOON!  That becomes a more and more prominent thought with every day that passes.  The problem is finding the time and balance of time to do it.  Being more a "marathon" person, I have a difficult time stealing 15 minutes or even an hour a day for writing.  I need at least three hours if I really want to accomplish something.  Granted, that could be my problem.  But no matter what I try or what method I try to figure out, my writing suffers from cursory sessions.  So what's a girl to do? 

ESCAPE could be my only recourse.  Mountains, I'll see you soon.

Poem

the leaves having seen the sun
fall in love with it madly
while the root hides in darkness
lest the whole die
the root hears the whispers of the leaves
depends on their stories for hope
while the leaves scowl and smile below
knowing the root makes them live
but keeps them from the sun

 

copyright 2010