Yeah, that made my head hurt too.
I'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how I'm so interesting, I'm so great
I'm really just a f#!kup and it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week.
I don't know why this is on my mind so ominously lately. Maybe it's the realization that I really am about to turn 30 and I really need to figure my shit out right quick. Or maybe it's just against my nature to be chained behind a desk. But then, that's just a cop-out. I wonder if ANYONE was meant to be chained behind a desk. And that makes me appear too "special" because I most certainly am about as normal as anyone - almost.
In any case, the point is, that there are not enough hours in a day. There are a thousand things I could be doing right now that could improve my mind, body, and/or spirit, but I can't because I'm trapped in the system of which everyone is a part. Money. You need money to eat, live, and in most cases, you need money to make money. So you have to work.
And while I'm sitting behind my desk doing nothing because all my work is done yet I have to stick around and wait for the phone to ring the two more times it might today, I can see our future (and our present) just as clear as day:
All our little spinning hamster wheels force the other little hamsters run in their wheels faster and vice versa and the cycle continues until half the little hamsters die of massive embolisms or heart attacks because they've been too busy worrying about the other little hamsters that make them look bad to realize that they were sick.
It's really quite depressing. We're too busy to raise our children right, too busy to enjoy ourselves, and too busy to take care of ourselves. I don't think this is what God intended.
I want to finish my book. I want to listen to my music. I want to learn how to crochet. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to play around with my massive collection of craft paint. I want to travel. Yeah, I know I'm whining, but everybody has a list like this. It just doesn't seem right.
Tonight, for instance, I have to do laundry (which I probably won't do), write an article for NERA, do my Medical Terminology homework, study for a test, and read more Harry Potter. And folks wonder why I always stay up past one AM most nights.
So I do my best. I'm taking my MT classes to ease the stress of destitution a little, and I do what I can on the weekend. So I suppose we'll find a way. Reckon?
Well, I couldn't find the song I quoted ("I'm Free Now") but here's "Buena" by Morphine. Same album at least.
Showing posts with label damn it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label damn it. Show all posts
Monday, July 23, 2007
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
In the Name of "Duh..."
You rhapsodize about beauty
and my eyes glaze
everything that i love is ugly
I mean really, you would be amazed
just do me a favor
it's the least that you can do
just don't treat me like I am
something that happened to you
So I’m listening to this Ani Difranco song – bitter in that beautifully painful way that she’s bitter – wondering if she’s just melodramatic or if I’ve just never really been in love.
I’ve tried not to make this blog about my dating life, but it’s definitely an issue in my life as it is and it’s definitely something that I think about. By American standards, I’m not all that old and nowhere near an old maid, but by Calhoun standards, I might as well be dead. I get really annoyed when I go to a shower or a wedding and all my relatives are looking at me like, “Well? What’s your problem?” I’d be surprised if one or two of them didn’t think I’m a lesbian. I’m just not one to settle. I refuse to marry just for the sake of getting married. I absolutely refuse. I’ve broken up with many a man who was wonderful and seemingly perfect in every way by “marrying” standards. Many ladies around me (including my office manager) look at me like I’m insane and proceed to name off potential sweethearts based solely on the fact that they are single. I think about explaining to them that I don’t want to marry just anybody, but in the end, I realize that it’s pointless because I’m not going to make them understand. I will only marry a man I love. I mean really love. Somebody who I can dance to “Bewitched” by Ella Fitzgerald with without feeling too self-conscious or shy. Somebody with whom I can be the girl I am in my head (and my heart). Damn it.
Which brings me back to the first issue. I really don’t think I’ve ever been in love with anyone. When I think about past beaus, I feel no real ache at their absence, nor did I ever. The closest I come to an ache is when I think about a man I dated about five years ago who was wrong for me in every single way. He was eleven years older, only in the area for the summer, and averse to being in one place for too long. But we got along beautifully. Had wonderful conversations (among other things), and we were utterly comfortable with each other. While it lasted, it was the best relationship I probably ever had. I miss him and think about him ALL THE TIME. But I never get this burning feeling of need and loss when I think of him (well aside from the very occasional moment when I’m really reminded of him by something or when I’m lonely and given too much time to think). I usually just kind of sigh and think, “Well, shit.”
I suppose when I say I’ve never been in love, I mean that I’ve never really gotten far enough inside a man to really know him and be dazzled or pleased with everything I saw there. And God knows none of them have ever really tried very hard to get too far into my heart and head. I imagine it would be a scary place to a newcomer.
And then I wonder if my idea of love is wrong. Which I think everyone’s is until they really feel it. And I think of my friends who have been married and divorced and still suffer for the loss. But do they suffer for the loss of the person, the stability, or the habit of being married? It must be different for every case, of course, but I’m sure that in some cases, it may be all three.
The only conclusion I can come to now is that loving somebody is the ability to be the person you are in your head with them and knowing that they have the same ability with you. So I’ve never been in love. Because I’ve never really been able to be the girl I am in my head with any of my exes – except that one man I mentioned. But he couldn’t be the man he was in his head with me. So I reckon it’s all for the better.
I’ll just keep my eyes and my mind open and maybe I’ll get lucky one of these days. And you can double entendre that as much as you want.
Now more bitterness from Ani Difranco.
This is a great song from her Dilate album.
"Napoleon"
and my eyes glaze
everything that i love is ugly
I mean really, you would be amazed
just do me a favor
it's the least that you can do
just don't treat me like I am
something that happened to you
So I’m listening to this Ani Difranco song – bitter in that beautifully painful way that she’s bitter – wondering if she’s just melodramatic or if I’ve just never really been in love.
I’ve tried not to make this blog about my dating life, but it’s definitely an issue in my life as it is and it’s definitely something that I think about. By American standards, I’m not all that old and nowhere near an old maid, but by Calhoun standards, I might as well be dead. I get really annoyed when I go to a shower or a wedding and all my relatives are looking at me like, “Well? What’s your problem?” I’d be surprised if one or two of them didn’t think I’m a lesbian. I’m just not one to settle. I refuse to marry just for the sake of getting married. I absolutely refuse. I’ve broken up with many a man who was wonderful and seemingly perfect in every way by “marrying” standards. Many ladies around me (including my office manager) look at me like I’m insane and proceed to name off potential sweethearts based solely on the fact that they are single. I think about explaining to them that I don’t want to marry just anybody, but in the end, I realize that it’s pointless because I’m not going to make them understand. I will only marry a man I love. I mean really love. Somebody who I can dance to “Bewitched” by Ella Fitzgerald with without feeling too self-conscious or shy. Somebody with whom I can be the girl I am in my head (and my heart). Damn it.
Which brings me back to the first issue. I really don’t think I’ve ever been in love with anyone. When I think about past beaus, I feel no real ache at their absence, nor did I ever. The closest I come to an ache is when I think about a man I dated about five years ago who was wrong for me in every single way. He was eleven years older, only in the area for the summer, and averse to being in one place for too long. But we got along beautifully. Had wonderful conversations (among other things), and we were utterly comfortable with each other. While it lasted, it was the best relationship I probably ever had. I miss him and think about him ALL THE TIME. But I never get this burning feeling of need and loss when I think of him (well aside from the very occasional moment when I’m really reminded of him by something or when I’m lonely and given too much time to think). I usually just kind of sigh and think, “Well, shit.”
I suppose when I say I’ve never been in love, I mean that I’ve never really gotten far enough inside a man to really know him and be dazzled or pleased with everything I saw there. And God knows none of them have ever really tried very hard to get too far into my heart and head. I imagine it would be a scary place to a newcomer.
And then I wonder if my idea of love is wrong. Which I think everyone’s is until they really feel it. And I think of my friends who have been married and divorced and still suffer for the loss. But do they suffer for the loss of the person, the stability, or the habit of being married? It must be different for every case, of course, but I’m sure that in some cases, it may be all three.
The only conclusion I can come to now is that loving somebody is the ability to be the person you are in your head with them and knowing that they have the same ability with you. So I’ve never been in love. Because I’ve never really been able to be the girl I am in my head with any of my exes – except that one man I mentioned. But he couldn’t be the man he was in his head with me. So I reckon it’s all for the better.
I’ll just keep my eyes and my mind open and maybe I’ll get lucky one of these days. And you can double entendre that as much as you want.
Now more bitterness from Ani Difranco.
This is a great song from her Dilate album.
"Napoleon"
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