My internal landscape has experienced a great change in the weather lately. I try not to let too many things affect me, but in this case, I think I need to let it.
I've always been pretty well-grounded. I've always had a certain way of seeing things. I'm extremely open-minded, but I always take what I hear and see along with my perception of the world as it has always been. In other words, I take everything into account as long as it jives with what I know. Which is pretty much the case with everyone, but I allow more leeway probably than most. I allow more space for the metaphysical and unexplainable.
But these new things, this new person: they've rocked me to the very core. I'm as I've always been. Nothing about my personality or my beliefs has changed. It's just the way everything relates in my head. The way I look at the world.
I've always been self-conscious to a fault, even self-centered. Really, the better word is probably "self-contained." I live my life in my head. Not much makes it out. As I've gotten older, I've learned to trust what goes on in there a little more and therefore I allow more out than I used to. But I still have a problem letting myself out to play with the other kids. There's a wall there that's hard to get over. The metaphor I used with C was that the walls in my head have chinks in them that allow me in as mist, but nothing more. Just enough to see a little bit of what's there, but not enough to do anything with it. This metaphor came about when C told me he felt like he'd broken down several walls in his mind. The way he did this was with energy.
The energy concept is one I took with a grain of salt when C first mentioned it to me. I didn't dismiss it, I just wasn't sure what to do with it. So I sat back and listened. The idea is that the body is full of energy and this energy can be controlled, manipulated, and put to good use on oneself, objects, and even other people. As I understand it, it's used in martial arts, massage therapy, and numerous Eastern disciplines. For a while, I just watched and learned, not sure if this sensation I was feeling was actually energy or if my mind was playing tricks on me.
But that's just the point. It is the mind. But it's not a trick. I didn't fully accept this until the other night when C talked me through an exercise. I can't explain it, but it was a feeling I was familiar with. It's the trill of panic when you're scared, the flush of warmth when you see someone you're attracted to, the movement of thoughts when you're concentrating. It's all that. Once I learned how to focus it, I could visualize what I wanted to do with it and make it work. Granted, all I can do so far is feel it and move it. But I'm getting better. Last night, I learned how to produce warm energy. It was all in my head. But it was real, and C felt it on his skin. It was real because we both let it be real.
It's common knowledge that humans only use 10% of our brains. Like the line from "Contact," "seems like an awful waste of space." You can't tell me the other 90% is useless tissue. It's full of neurons and electricity. Full of energy. This is about learning how to use it. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's what makes us human.
And it has taught me how to trust myself. More and more, I've allowed the external in and let myself out. I'm not all the way there. I'm still struggling with the fears and worries that hold me inside myself. That seems to be the rub to everyone learning about energy. And everyone who doesn't know or even accept its power.
The challenge is no greater than with everything I feel for C himself. He's subtle, very even-tempered. It's hard to see where his heart is. I know it's gigantic and solid gold, but I just can't find it. At least so far I can't. I've spent all morning considering where I should look. I've seen glimpses of it in smiles, glances, his touch, his embrace. But only glimpses. He keeps it guarded and relies on his mind to govern it, I think. When he trusts himself with it, then he may open a window. Whereas my instinct is to hold it out for anyone to see until I realize maybe they're frightened by the bloody spectacle and quickly put it away. Through experience, I've learned to resist my instinct. I still wonder if I should. Maybe what I need to learn is how to follow my instinct without blurting it out. Maybe I should wordlessly tap him on the shoulder and invite him to peek through the window, rather than pull the whole organ straight out of my chest and wave it under his nose yelling, "See what I got!"
I depend too much on the spoken word for confirmation. Sometimes words drain energy. They cancel it out or distract from it. Through all my considering this morning, I've decided I need to relax and shut the hell up. That's the source of most of my problems with people. I just don't know how to relax with them around. I'm too worried about how much I like or dislike them and don't know how to deal with it when they like or dislike me. That's not what's important. What's important is what you learn, give, and receive.
Negative or positive, it's all just energy. And energy penetrates every word. Sometimes the energy is too great and renders the word useless. Sometimes the word solidifies the energy, makes it concrete.
I get the feeling that once I've learned to trust myself, I'll know exactly when the word is needed and when the energy is enough.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Shift
Starting on New Year's Eve, I've sensed a shift in the vapors that make the world mysterious. It could just be a shift in myself, but it seems like it's affected everything in some ways. Haven't decided about that part yet.
It started for me when I was in line for the Jason Isbell gig at The Honest Pint in Chattanooga on New Year's Eve. The folks in front of me hadn't gotten their tickets yet, so I offered my extra to one of them. In their gratitude, they bought me a beer. Nice. Afterward, I felt a great surge of helpfulness. I offered extra chairs at my table to strangers, helped people find ashtrays and tipped my server as well as I could. The show was incredible too. It felt good to be helpful and everyone was in a great mood. I mean EVERYONE in the bar. Even Isbell and his band.
Since then, I've continued to try to be a little more friendly to folk. By nature, I'm taciturn and even a tad antisocial because I'm reserved and rarely find compelling conversation to be had. But I've found folks to be a little more easy-going so far this year. Again, it may just be me. I've had lovely conversations with a lot of different people, new and old. It's like some wall has been dropped or the mysterious vapors have thinned. I've discovered a new well of confidence in myself and I feel better than I have in years. I don't feel as isolated. Every time I go out, I see friends to talk to or someone willing to play a game of chess. That's probably always been the case, but I suppose I'm more willing to approach them now.
I'm still broke most of the time, but it doesn't get to me like it used to. I've learned to conserve better and to deal with what I've got instead of fretting over what I don't.
And it's paid off. I just worry that everything will crash down again. It's been a long time since I had any measurable confidence in myself. I just have to learn to roll with it better than I have, I reckon.
I just feel different for some reason. Freer maybe. I had a dream a couple nights ago that really cemented that. All it involved was a door opened suddenly into a blue night with forest and maybe mountains beyond. It opened so quickly, it startled me awake. But it didn't scare me. I went back to sleep feeling more at ease. I slept very well that night. I always sleep well, but I slept VERY well after that.
And I've slept well every night since.
It started for me when I was in line for the Jason Isbell gig at The Honest Pint in Chattanooga on New Year's Eve. The folks in front of me hadn't gotten their tickets yet, so I offered my extra to one of them. In their gratitude, they bought me a beer. Nice. Afterward, I felt a great surge of helpfulness. I offered extra chairs at my table to strangers, helped people find ashtrays and tipped my server as well as I could. The show was incredible too. It felt good to be helpful and everyone was in a great mood. I mean EVERYONE in the bar. Even Isbell and his band.
Since then, I've continued to try to be a little more friendly to folk. By nature, I'm taciturn and even a tad antisocial because I'm reserved and rarely find compelling conversation to be had. But I've found folks to be a little more easy-going so far this year. Again, it may just be me. I've had lovely conversations with a lot of different people, new and old. It's like some wall has been dropped or the mysterious vapors have thinned. I've discovered a new well of confidence in myself and I feel better than I have in years. I don't feel as isolated. Every time I go out, I see friends to talk to or someone willing to play a game of chess. That's probably always been the case, but I suppose I'm more willing to approach them now.
I'm still broke most of the time, but it doesn't get to me like it used to. I've learned to conserve better and to deal with what I've got instead of fretting over what I don't.
And it's paid off. I just worry that everything will crash down again. It's been a long time since I had any measurable confidence in myself. I just have to learn to roll with it better than I have, I reckon.
I just feel different for some reason. Freer maybe. I had a dream a couple nights ago that really cemented that. All it involved was a door opened suddenly into a blue night with forest and maybe mountains beyond. It opened so quickly, it startled me awake. But it didn't scare me. I went back to sleep feeling more at ease. I slept very well that night. I always sleep well, but I slept VERY well after that.
And I've slept well every night since.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Having One of Those Moments
Years ago, after I broke up with a horrible ex, he screamed and yelled at me and cursed me. Literally. His words were, "I curse you! I hope you'll never be happy!"
A horrible thing to wish on someone whether you believe in curses or not. I'm not sure if I do believe in curses, but sometimes I worry that his had some power behind it. Because I can't seem to satisfy myself with anything lately. Christmas is looking rather gray because I'm broke and I can't do what I'd like for my family and friends. And my future is just so uncertain. There are so many things I want to do, but they all require money, which is something I've never been blessed with. I wouldn't care anything about it if it wasn't required for EVERYTHING. I can't even go visit friends or family out of state without worrying about how I'm going to pay for the gas to get there.
Beyond that, I want to go back to school, travel, enjoy a concert every once in a while, spend all day in a museum. These things should be so simple, but seem incredibly far away to me right now. I work hard and try to entertain myself, give myself projects to keep me sane, hang out with friends and enjoy occasional company, but nothing contents me anymore. I'm restless and I feel useless.
Then comes the part when I tell myself it's all my own fault. If I was braver or more willing to give up the things that give me comfort, maybe I'd be closer to where I feel I should be at this age. Then I worry about getting older and becoming the ridiculous old woman at the bar who everybody thinks is crazy because she drove away the ones who loved her and the ones she loved never loved her back. I sometimes see myself as that old lady that younger poets write about and that makes people thankful for what they have.
I am thankful for what I have, but this little part of me that I wish I could switch off can't stop thinking about the things I don't. I know I have to learn to roll with it and not worry about it or I have to figure out a way to earn those things I don't have. I just don't know where to start or what path would lead me there. I used to comfort myself with the thought that "I'll figure it out someday." But now I'm getting too old for that. Maybe that's what has kept me from the success (or at least the CONTENTMENT) I always imagined. That procrastination. That "I'll figure it out eventually" mindset.
But how do you get out of that? I've made so many weird plans that never happened because something else got in the way. Maybe I've been too busy looking for an easier path to see the one I really want to follow. But after so long, how do you start over with no resources. I've been wandering the woods too long. I've run out of food and water and my clothes are threadbare. I'm afraid now I'd never survive that rougher path.
Sorry for the despair, folks. Just having one of those moments. I'll get over it and reset myself. I've done it plenty of times. I'll reset myself and start looking around for that path I probably didn't see before. Retrace my steps. Maybe I won't end up back here again.
A horrible thing to wish on someone whether you believe in curses or not. I'm not sure if I do believe in curses, but sometimes I worry that his had some power behind it. Because I can't seem to satisfy myself with anything lately. Christmas is looking rather gray because I'm broke and I can't do what I'd like for my family and friends. And my future is just so uncertain. There are so many things I want to do, but they all require money, which is something I've never been blessed with. I wouldn't care anything about it if it wasn't required for EVERYTHING. I can't even go visit friends or family out of state without worrying about how I'm going to pay for the gas to get there.
Beyond that, I want to go back to school, travel, enjoy a concert every once in a while, spend all day in a museum. These things should be so simple, but seem incredibly far away to me right now. I work hard and try to entertain myself, give myself projects to keep me sane, hang out with friends and enjoy occasional company, but nothing contents me anymore. I'm restless and I feel useless.
Then comes the part when I tell myself it's all my own fault. If I was braver or more willing to give up the things that give me comfort, maybe I'd be closer to where I feel I should be at this age. Then I worry about getting older and becoming the ridiculous old woman at the bar who everybody thinks is crazy because she drove away the ones who loved her and the ones she loved never loved her back. I sometimes see myself as that old lady that younger poets write about and that makes people thankful for what they have.
I am thankful for what I have, but this little part of me that I wish I could switch off can't stop thinking about the things I don't. I know I have to learn to roll with it and not worry about it or I have to figure out a way to earn those things I don't have. I just don't know where to start or what path would lead me there. I used to comfort myself with the thought that "I'll figure it out someday." But now I'm getting too old for that. Maybe that's what has kept me from the success (or at least the CONTENTMENT) I always imagined. That procrastination. That "I'll figure it out eventually" mindset.
But how do you get out of that? I've made so many weird plans that never happened because something else got in the way. Maybe I've been too busy looking for an easier path to see the one I really want to follow. But after so long, how do you start over with no resources. I've been wandering the woods too long. I've run out of food and water and my clothes are threadbare. I'm afraid now I'd never survive that rougher path.
Sorry for the despair, folks. Just having one of those moments. I'll get over it and reset myself. I've done it plenty of times. I'll reset myself and start looking around for that path I probably didn't see before. Retrace my steps. Maybe I won't end up back here again.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Have Come to a Decision
I'm going to Kennesaw State for the MA in Professional Writing. I'm so tired of this constant state of stagnation. I need to use my brain to the best of its abilities and I've missed learning new things for years now. The plan is to pay for the GRE next month and schedule it within a month or two. In October, I'm going to the Graduate Open House. I'll apply either soon before or soon after that. I hope to start in 2011 - maybe Spring. I need to pay some credit cards and things off before I start. Will also need a new car to make that drive every day.
The one thing that scares me is the whole money thing. Work and supporting myself and paying rent and eating. I know I won't be able to do all the classes at night. I'm hoping my current office (or new one if I get a new job) will be flexible and let me work part time or come in at night or something. I'll figure that out when I get to it. But it's decided. I have too much going on in my head to be wasting away like this. It's incredibly frustrating.
Other Things:
- I don't know why, but music is hitting me harder lately. Maybe this is a sign that the muse is starting to sing.
- I admit that I have seen two Twilight movies and read the first book recently. I hate that I really enjoyed them. But I did. The writing is dreadful, the grammar atrocious. But the characters are interesting and the plot sucks you in like all dreadful pop culture things most people consider a guilty pleasure. It's an agonizing pleasure for me. There's something fundamental in all the Bella/Edward stuff that appeals to some deep kernel of something in the heart of most women, I think. This could just be me justifying my enjoyment.
- I reread the beginning of one of my novels last weekend. I wrote it last year while I was unemployed. The writing was slow and tedious as I recall. I really took my time and took care to get everything just so, keeping in mind some new style rules I'd assigned myself. The result is the first thing I've written that I don't want to completely rewrite. There are a few changes I probably need to make, but nothing big. Was very pleased with myself. Now I just have to work on getting past the part where I'm stalled. I'm ciphering about it and I think I may be close to solving the problem.
- I've been something of a recluse lately because I'm broke, but it's been good for me. I think we all need those little spans of time.
The one thing that scares me is the whole money thing. Work and supporting myself and paying rent and eating. I know I won't be able to do all the classes at night. I'm hoping my current office (or new one if I get a new job) will be flexible and let me work part time or come in at night or something. I'll figure that out when I get to it. But it's decided. I have too much going on in my head to be wasting away like this. It's incredibly frustrating.
Other Things:
- I don't know why, but music is hitting me harder lately. Maybe this is a sign that the muse is starting to sing.
- I admit that I have seen two Twilight movies and read the first book recently. I hate that I really enjoyed them. But I did. The writing is dreadful, the grammar atrocious. But the characters are interesting and the plot sucks you in like all dreadful pop culture things most people consider a guilty pleasure. It's an agonizing pleasure for me. There's something fundamental in all the Bella/Edward stuff that appeals to some deep kernel of something in the heart of most women, I think. This could just be me justifying my enjoyment.
- I reread the beginning of one of my novels last weekend. I wrote it last year while I was unemployed. The writing was slow and tedious as I recall. I really took my time and took care to get everything just so, keeping in mind some new style rules I'd assigned myself. The result is the first thing I've written that I don't want to completely rewrite. There are a few changes I probably need to make, but nothing big. Was very pleased with myself. Now I just have to work on getting past the part where I'm stalled. I'm ciphering about it and I think I may be close to solving the problem.
- I've been something of a recluse lately because I'm broke, but it's been good for me. I think we all need those little spans of time.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Lately
This has been an odd month. In some ways it's been lovely and in others it's just been hectic.
At the beginning of the month, I found myself restless and going out practically every night. During that process, I did make a wonderful new friend although I'm afraid he seeks something more than friendship. I hate having that talk with male friends. The whole trite "I like you, but not in that way" thing sounds so ridiculous and childish, but I've yet to come up with anything better. I also hate that men and women are so overwhelmed by our hormones these days that we can barely be friends. Something more is always expected, then when one party doesn't want anything more, the second party gets pissed off or their feelings are hurt and you're no longer friends. I hate that. I get along with men much better than women, but I don't want to sleep with all of my male friends, so they get bored once they realize it ain't happening and then I lose yet another good friend. Anyway, I'm hoping he'll understand and maybe we won't have to have the talk, but I ain't holding my breath.
A couple weeks ago, I went to Chattanooga to walk around, take pictures, and do a little research for one of my novels. That was wonderful. I love Chattanooga and if I ever manage to get enough stuff paid off and if I can get over my fear of uprooting, I want to move there. I got a lot of great pictures and good ideas and clearer visions of the novel in question. I plan to go back soon to get a little more done. I went with my new friend mentioned above, and while wonderful fun, I didn't get as much work done as I'd like to have. I think I'll stay overnight next time too. I also plan to borrow my parents' new house (that they have furnished but haven't moved into yet) in the mountains (Northeast Georgia) to stay and do some research for another novel. Really looking forward to that too.
Last week, I found myself getting incredibly annoyed with work. Nothing major happened and I didn't get overstressed or anything. I just lost my patience with every aspect of my job. Because I know this isn't where I belong, and I know this isn't the best use of my time. But I do have to pay my bills and the only way to do that is to keep slaving away like the drone I've become. I can usually deal with it pretty well as long as I have other things to amuse me during my free time and as long as I can continue to write and live, but I have my moments when I just resent the day Man came up with the brilliant idea of currency. I'm sure that innocent little cave-dweller had no idea it would one day rule the lives of his descendants.
The past couple weeks, I've discovered a need to chill and to have some time to myself - enough to maybe get some things done. But all through this, there have been invitations to hang out, good visits with Dodd, bad visits with Dodd, arguments with Dodd, and peals of laughter with Dodd. Has left me little time to relax.
Really needing a day off from everything and everybody except the pen and my characters. I keep getting this feeling like the only way I will ever find any sense of contentment with my career/life is to finish and publish a novel. I HAVE TO FINISH SOMETHING SOON! That becomes a more and more prominent thought with every day that passes. The problem is finding the time and balance of time to do it. Being more a "marathon" person, I have a difficult time stealing 15 minutes or even an hour a day for writing. I need at least three hours if I really want to accomplish something. Granted, that could be my problem. But no matter what I try or what method I try to figure out, my writing suffers from cursory sessions. So what's a girl to do?
ESCAPE could be my only recourse. Mountains, I'll see you soon.
At the beginning of the month, I found myself restless and going out practically every night. During that process, I did make a wonderful new friend although I'm afraid he seeks something more than friendship. I hate having that talk with male friends. The whole trite "I like you, but not in that way" thing sounds so ridiculous and childish, but I've yet to come up with anything better. I also hate that men and women are so overwhelmed by our hormones these days that we can barely be friends. Something more is always expected, then when one party doesn't want anything more, the second party gets pissed off or their feelings are hurt and you're no longer friends. I hate that. I get along with men much better than women, but I don't want to sleep with all of my male friends, so they get bored once they realize it ain't happening and then I lose yet another good friend. Anyway, I'm hoping he'll understand and maybe we won't have to have the talk, but I ain't holding my breath.
A couple weeks ago, I went to Chattanooga to walk around, take pictures, and do a little research for one of my novels. That was wonderful. I love Chattanooga and if I ever manage to get enough stuff paid off and if I can get over my fear of uprooting, I want to move there. I got a lot of great pictures and good ideas and clearer visions of the novel in question. I plan to go back soon to get a little more done. I went with my new friend mentioned above, and while wonderful fun, I didn't get as much work done as I'd like to have. I think I'll stay overnight next time too. I also plan to borrow my parents' new house (that they have furnished but haven't moved into yet) in the mountains (Northeast Georgia) to stay and do some research for another novel. Really looking forward to that too.
Last week, I found myself getting incredibly annoyed with work. Nothing major happened and I didn't get overstressed or anything. I just lost my patience with every aspect of my job. Because I know this isn't where I belong, and I know this isn't the best use of my time. But I do have to pay my bills and the only way to do that is to keep slaving away like the drone I've become. I can usually deal with it pretty well as long as I have other things to amuse me during my free time and as long as I can continue to write and live, but I have my moments when I just resent the day Man came up with the brilliant idea of currency. I'm sure that innocent little cave-dweller had no idea it would one day rule the lives of his descendants.
The past couple weeks, I've discovered a need to chill and to have some time to myself - enough to maybe get some things done. But all through this, there have been invitations to hang out, good visits with Dodd, bad visits with Dodd, arguments with Dodd, and peals of laughter with Dodd. Has left me little time to relax.
Really needing a day off from everything and everybody except the pen and my characters. I keep getting this feeling like the only way I will ever find any sense of contentment with my career/life is to finish and publish a novel. I HAVE TO FINISH SOMETHING SOON! That becomes a more and more prominent thought with every day that passes. The problem is finding the time and balance of time to do it. Being more a "marathon" person, I have a difficult time stealing 15 minutes or even an hour a day for writing. I need at least three hours if I really want to accomplish something. Granted, that could be my problem. But no matter what I try or what method I try to figure out, my writing suffers from cursory sessions. So what's a girl to do?
ESCAPE could be my only recourse. Mountains, I'll see you soon.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Best Job for the Body.
Something has recently occurred to me, but I'm not sure I should read too much into it because it could likely drive me nuts.
In recent months, I have developed 2 of what a doctor called a "bony prominence." One is on my left elbow and the other is on the heel of my right hand. Where did they come from? Well, probably from me being bored as nuts at work. I tend to lean on my left elbow when I'm at work - partly because my chair is too low and the back is too far back for me to be comfortable. Because of all this, in order to sit up straight (and not strain my back), I have to lean against the desk. As for the one on the heel of my right hand, it is CERTAINLY from using the computer mouse. I rest my hand against the desk and move the mouse with my fingers mostly.
Since I've worked a desk job, I have developed all kinds of aches and pains that I never had before. Granted, much of this may be aging, but I ain't that old yet! I've also gained a lot of weight (again, partially this is aging and quitting smoking). When I started this job, I wore a size 4-6. Now I wear a size 8-10.
The point is that human beings are not meant to be sitting down all the time. Our bodies form reactions against it (i.e. bony prominences). But we're not really supposed to be standing all the time either. Evidence of that is in the 12 or so years I spent in retail jobs and the sorry state of my knees and hips.
Given all this information, I've decided that people really ought to be up and about and doing a variety of things: walking to get places; sitting to eat, rest, and do a few tasks; standing to do a number of tasks. So really the best job for the human body would be something like a park ranger (for a small park where they can walk everywhere) or a curator for a historical site, etc.
So where does that leave those of us with no expertise in these areas? The best way is to start from oneself so in my situation, I'd probably be better off working from home on several projects and pursuits - transcribing, pottery making, writing, living in a place where I can walk most everywhere I need, etc. Of course, this is basically the modern American dream for creative types like myself and my dearest. So it would be nice to be able to settle for an office where you are allowed, given the time & an area, and forced to move around and do various tasks throughout the day. I'm sure some places already do this given the latest health movement that has taken off in recent years, and that's great.
It just seems to me that there could be a better way to work and live. It would be really great if we didn't have to choose "work to live" or "live to work" and we could all just live while we work.
In recent months, I have developed 2 of what a doctor called a "bony prominence." One is on my left elbow and the other is on the heel of my right hand. Where did they come from? Well, probably from me being bored as nuts at work. I tend to lean on my left elbow when I'm at work - partly because my chair is too low and the back is too far back for me to be comfortable. Because of all this, in order to sit up straight (and not strain my back), I have to lean against the desk. As for the one on the heel of my right hand, it is CERTAINLY from using the computer mouse. I rest my hand against the desk and move the mouse with my fingers mostly.
Since I've worked a desk job, I have developed all kinds of aches and pains that I never had before. Granted, much of this may be aging, but I ain't that old yet! I've also gained a lot of weight (again, partially this is aging and quitting smoking). When I started this job, I wore a size 4-6. Now I wear a size 8-10.
The point is that human beings are not meant to be sitting down all the time. Our bodies form reactions against it (i.e. bony prominences). But we're not really supposed to be standing all the time either. Evidence of that is in the 12 or so years I spent in retail jobs and the sorry state of my knees and hips.
Given all this information, I've decided that people really ought to be up and about and doing a variety of things: walking to get places; sitting to eat, rest, and do a few tasks; standing to do a number of tasks. So really the best job for the human body would be something like a park ranger (for a small park where they can walk everywhere) or a curator for a historical site, etc.
So where does that leave those of us with no expertise in these areas? The best way is to start from oneself so in my situation, I'd probably be better off working from home on several projects and pursuits - transcribing, pottery making, writing, living in a place where I can walk most everywhere I need, etc. Of course, this is basically the modern American dream for creative types like myself and my dearest. So it would be nice to be able to settle for an office where you are allowed, given the time & an area, and forced to move around and do various tasks throughout the day. I'm sure some places already do this given the latest health movement that has taken off in recent years, and that's great.
It just seems to me that there could be a better way to work and live. It would be really great if we didn't have to choose "work to live" or "live to work" and we could all just live while we work.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Do what?
I'm hearing right and wrong so clearly
there must be more than this
it's only in uncertaintythat we're naked and alive
Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me knows that I'm practically deaf. At least, I'm sure it seems that way. During any given conversation, my friends generally hear me say the words, "I'm sorry?", "Do what?", "What was that?", "What, What?!" or some variation at least three times. At the very least. Corey kind of likes it because he says he usually has a chance to change his wording. :^p Cheeky man.
When I was about 19, I had my tonsils cut out. The ENT who did the tonsillectomy ran a number of tests on me including a hearing test. He discovered that I'm way below average at certain pitches (mostly high pitches, and a few of the really low pitches), and he even ran a few additional tests for some sort of hearing disorder that tends to strike 19-year-old women, but that came out negative. I barely even noticed the problem until I was about 26 or 27, and since then it's just gotten worse.
Anytime I tell my mom about some event in which I had to ask someone to repeat him or herself, she understands. She has the same problem. Both of us have an especially hard time in noisy surroundings. Sounds combine and become distorted and we either don't hear what's being said or we hear things that aren't there. This happens to me CONSTANTLY. Most often, it happens when I'm in the bathroom and either the water's running or the heater or air conditioner is running. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten out of the shower to see if I'd left a radio on because I often think I hear music. I embarassed myself in front of a lot of the men in our noisy shop at work a couple weeks ago. I was standing in one of the dock doors about halfway outside, and I swore I heard my office manager call somebody on the intercom. When I asked the men what she said, they looked at me like I was nuts and then laughed their asses off at me.
I don't know that it's bad enough yet to go back to the ENT with the problem. I guess I'm partially afraid he'll have me in a hearing aid before you can say "feedback." All I know is that it is highly obnoxious. I feel horrible when I have to ask folks on the phone at work to repeat themselves, and I feel really horrible when Corey says something I don't hear and he says "nevermind" when I ask him to repeat himself. I'm afraid I look horribly rude when I get tired of asking folks to repeat and end up filling in the blanks or only half-listening. It gets exhausting sometimes.
Luckily, I don't seem to have much of a problem with the medical transcription. I suppose it helps that the sound is right there in my ear and the earphones obstruct a little bit of ambiant noise. I have noticed a marked difference between my right and left ears thought. My right is much worse, and I think my mom's right ear is worse too. We laugh together when one of us sees the other turn her head to put the "good ear" in better range of the person who's speaking. Clearly this is a hereditary thing.
The strangest thing of all, though, is that sometimes - after a yawn usually - I seem to have super hearing. Either that or regular hearing sounds super to me. This used to lead me to believe all my problems would be solved with a bit of a professional ear cleaning, but anytime I've had that done, it fixed the problem long enough for me to leave the doctor's office.
I also used to think that the size of my ears contributed (I have really small ears). But I've since taken a class in which I was subjected to the obnoxious instructor's questioning about what she called my "hearing loss." I suppose she thought I was a kindred soul since she had hearing problems as well. In any case, she raised the point about a disorder in which two of the middle ear bones become fused or stuck and therefore don't efficiently carry the sound to your ear drum - which leads to (you guessed it) distortion in middle ranges.
Anyway, now that I've rambled, I come to the point. The next time you're annoyed by someone asking you to repeat something or by their habit of turning their head when you speak to them, just remember that they're every bit as annoyed (if not moreso) as you are.
I couldn't find a video of "That Voice Again" by Peter Gabriel (from whence my opening quote came), but I love this song and this video - "Red Rain." Gotta give the man serious props.
there must be more than this
it's only in uncertaintythat we're naked and alive
Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me knows that I'm practically deaf. At least, I'm sure it seems that way. During any given conversation, my friends generally hear me say the words, "I'm sorry?", "Do what?", "What was that?", "What, What?!" or some variation at least three times. At the very least. Corey kind of likes it because he says he usually has a chance to change his wording. :^p Cheeky man.
When I was about 19, I had my tonsils cut out. The ENT who did the tonsillectomy ran a number of tests on me including a hearing test. He discovered that I'm way below average at certain pitches (mostly high pitches, and a few of the really low pitches), and he even ran a few additional tests for some sort of hearing disorder that tends to strike 19-year-old women, but that came out negative. I barely even noticed the problem until I was about 26 or 27, and since then it's just gotten worse.
Anytime I tell my mom about some event in which I had to ask someone to repeat him or herself, she understands. She has the same problem. Both of us have an especially hard time in noisy surroundings. Sounds combine and become distorted and we either don't hear what's being said or we hear things that aren't there. This happens to me CONSTANTLY. Most often, it happens when I'm in the bathroom and either the water's running or the heater or air conditioner is running. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten out of the shower to see if I'd left a radio on because I often think I hear music. I embarassed myself in front of a lot of the men in our noisy shop at work a couple weeks ago. I was standing in one of the dock doors about halfway outside, and I swore I heard my office manager call somebody on the intercom. When I asked the men what she said, they looked at me like I was nuts and then laughed their asses off at me.
I don't know that it's bad enough yet to go back to the ENT with the problem. I guess I'm partially afraid he'll have me in a hearing aid before you can say "feedback." All I know is that it is highly obnoxious. I feel horrible when I have to ask folks on the phone at work to repeat themselves, and I feel really horrible when Corey says something I don't hear and he says "nevermind" when I ask him to repeat himself. I'm afraid I look horribly rude when I get tired of asking folks to repeat and end up filling in the blanks or only half-listening. It gets exhausting sometimes.
Luckily, I don't seem to have much of a problem with the medical transcription. I suppose it helps that the sound is right there in my ear and the earphones obstruct a little bit of ambiant noise. I have noticed a marked difference between my right and left ears thought. My right is much worse, and I think my mom's right ear is worse too. We laugh together when one of us sees the other turn her head to put the "good ear" in better range of the person who's speaking. Clearly this is a hereditary thing.
The strangest thing of all, though, is that sometimes - after a yawn usually - I seem to have super hearing. Either that or regular hearing sounds super to me. This used to lead me to believe all my problems would be solved with a bit of a professional ear cleaning, but anytime I've had that done, it fixed the problem long enough for me to leave the doctor's office.
I also used to think that the size of my ears contributed (I have really small ears). But I've since taken a class in which I was subjected to the obnoxious instructor's questioning about what she called my "hearing loss." I suppose she thought I was a kindred soul since she had hearing problems as well. In any case, she raised the point about a disorder in which two of the middle ear bones become fused or stuck and therefore don't efficiently carry the sound to your ear drum - which leads to (you guessed it) distortion in middle ranges.
Anyway, now that I've rambled, I come to the point. The next time you're annoyed by someone asking you to repeat something or by their habit of turning their head when you speak to them, just remember that they're every bit as annoyed (if not moreso) as you are.
I couldn't find a video of "That Voice Again" by Peter Gabriel (from whence my opening quote came), but I love this song and this video - "Red Rain." Gotta give the man serious props.
Friday, December 28, 2007
The Ubiquitous New Year Blog
Heard the eternal footman
Bought himself a bike to race
And Greg he writes letters
And burns his CDs
They say you were something in those formative years
Hold onto nothing
As fast as you can
Well still pretty good year
The slightly depressing overtones of "Pretty Good Year" by Tori Amos is not representative of my pretty good year, but I love that song.
I don't do resolutions. I don't like the word for some reason. It's too formal and imposing. That and most resolutions people make are a tad shallow - to the point that they make them just to make them.
So I won't call them resolutions. I'll call them plans to attempt to do better. And I have several in mind for the coming year. I'm hoping (PLEASE LORD) that this will be a turn-around year for me. I'll finish my MT certification in Spring, so hopefully I'll be able to get out of this horrible Accounts Payable rut. I've already started eating better (thanks to my health-conscious Corey), and I plan to quit smoking after my physical in a couple weeks. Anyway, here they are.
* Quit Smoking - As I mentioned above, I'm going to ask my Doctor about the best options for quitting smoking. As soon as I have a good option and the prescription and/or the money to get the necessary accoutrements, I'll quit. And (I think I mentioned this before) for added incentive, if I'm quit for over 3 months, Corey's going to shave his beard off so I can finally see his whole face if only for a couple days.
* REALLY start cooking more and paying more attention to what I eat - I'm doing a lot better than I did a year or so ago, but it could still be better. I need to cook more and make sure I have leftovers for lunch, and start snacking on the right stuff and stop going to the Taco Bell after class.
*Exercise more - yes, Corey and I go hiking when we can and yes, I move around a lot and I park way back at the grocery store, but I need to do more. I'm not overweight or even really chunky at all, but I need to get into better shape - I have Yoga and Pilates DVDs just waiting on me at home. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get into a better routine and start doing at least a few minutes every day. Quitting smoking will help tremendously, because right now, working out on my mini trampoline just about kills me after like two minutes.
*Work on my Friggin' Writing more - I love to write. I love to think about writing. I love to talk about writing. I love to improve my writing. But I'm just not making the time. I get home from work or school and I'm completely drained and end up watching a movie or playing a PC game. I don't know why. I guess I just hate the idea of only spending an hour or two on it. I perfer marathon writing sessions and I feel like that's the only way I can really make progress. I just need to buck up and quit being so damn lazy.
*Be more frugal - I budget everything, but something in me gets inspired by the presence of a little extra cash in my account and I feel the need to spend it on something fun (i.e. a game, DVD, or CD). Because of this, I don't have internet at home, I haven't bought new clothes in WAY too long, and all of my shoes are getting ragged.
*Be less self-centered - I admit it. I am rather self-centered. That's not to say that I'm selfish. I just have a hard time thinking outside of myself. This needs to improve. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but I still have (a lot of) room for improvement. I'm not sure how to accomplish this, because I've been this way for nearly 30 years. I'm a little comforted by the fact that it seems to be inherited and by the fact that I realize it. But still. I need to do better.
*Finish those projects I really want to do - I have a table-top CD rack whose parts are stained on one side, and nowhere near being built. I have a slew of recipes ready to be typed up and put into a more convienient recipe book. I have an Organizational Manuscript that I have only begun working on. All of these things need to be finished. I just haven't had the time/motivation to get off my butt long enough to get going.
*Clean my effing apartment - and keep it clean. It's a MESS. A horrible mess. I haven't vacuumed in months, there's stuff strewn all over the place, Corey keeps tripping over shoes I've left out in the middle of the floor, there's a pile of books waiting to be put into a box, there's absolutely no empty spots to place things on my end table, and my bathroom is a wreck. I don't know how I manage to get everything so messy so quick. Sure, it may be a sign of genius, but it's also a sign of laziness.
So there's my list of improvements to make in the new year. I suspect this is the year where I finally act like the adult I learned how to be this year.
By the way - new blog on my livejournal (the one dedicated to my writing) if you're so inclined.
http://javery1066.livejournal.com/
Bought himself a bike to race
And Greg he writes letters
And burns his CDs
They say you were something in those formative years
Hold onto nothing
As fast as you can
Well still pretty good year
The slightly depressing overtones of "Pretty Good Year" by Tori Amos is not representative of my pretty good year, but I love that song.
I don't do resolutions. I don't like the word for some reason. It's too formal and imposing. That and most resolutions people make are a tad shallow - to the point that they make them just to make them.
So I won't call them resolutions. I'll call them plans to attempt to do better. And I have several in mind for the coming year. I'm hoping (PLEASE LORD) that this will be a turn-around year for me. I'll finish my MT certification in Spring, so hopefully I'll be able to get out of this horrible Accounts Payable rut. I've already started eating better (thanks to my health-conscious Corey), and I plan to quit smoking after my physical in a couple weeks. Anyway, here they are.
* Quit Smoking - As I mentioned above, I'm going to ask my Doctor about the best options for quitting smoking. As soon as I have a good option and the prescription and/or the money to get the necessary accoutrements, I'll quit. And (I think I mentioned this before) for added incentive, if I'm quit for over 3 months, Corey's going to shave his beard off so I can finally see his whole face if only for a couple days.
* REALLY start cooking more and paying more attention to what I eat - I'm doing a lot better than I did a year or so ago, but it could still be better. I need to cook more and make sure I have leftovers for lunch, and start snacking on the right stuff and stop going to the Taco Bell after class.
*Exercise more - yes, Corey and I go hiking when we can and yes, I move around a lot and I park way back at the grocery store, but I need to do more. I'm not overweight or even really chunky at all, but I need to get into better shape - I have Yoga and Pilates DVDs just waiting on me at home. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get into a better routine and start doing at least a few minutes every day. Quitting smoking will help tremendously, because right now, working out on my mini trampoline just about kills me after like two minutes.
*Work on my Friggin' Writing more - I love to write. I love to think about writing. I love to talk about writing. I love to improve my writing. But I'm just not making the time. I get home from work or school and I'm completely drained and end up watching a movie or playing a PC game. I don't know why. I guess I just hate the idea of only spending an hour or two on it. I perfer marathon writing sessions and I feel like that's the only way I can really make progress. I just need to buck up and quit being so damn lazy.
*Be more frugal - I budget everything, but something in me gets inspired by the presence of a little extra cash in my account and I feel the need to spend it on something fun (i.e. a game, DVD, or CD). Because of this, I don't have internet at home, I haven't bought new clothes in WAY too long, and all of my shoes are getting ragged.
*Be less self-centered - I admit it. I am rather self-centered. That's not to say that I'm selfish. I just have a hard time thinking outside of myself. This needs to improve. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but I still have (a lot of) room for improvement. I'm not sure how to accomplish this, because I've been this way for nearly 30 years. I'm a little comforted by the fact that it seems to be inherited and by the fact that I realize it. But still. I need to do better.
*Finish those projects I really want to do - I have a table-top CD rack whose parts are stained on one side, and nowhere near being built. I have a slew of recipes ready to be typed up and put into a more convienient recipe book. I have an Organizational Manuscript that I have only begun working on. All of these things need to be finished. I just haven't had the time/motivation to get off my butt long enough to get going.
*Clean my effing apartment - and keep it clean. It's a MESS. A horrible mess. I haven't vacuumed in months, there's stuff strewn all over the place, Corey keeps tripping over shoes I've left out in the middle of the floor, there's a pile of books waiting to be put into a box, there's absolutely no empty spots to place things on my end table, and my bathroom is a wreck. I don't know how I manage to get everything so messy so quick. Sure, it may be a sign of genius, but it's also a sign of laziness.
So there's my list of improvements to make in the new year. I suspect this is the year where I finally act like the adult I learned how to be this year.
By the way - new blog on my livejournal (the one dedicated to my writing) if you're so inclined.
http://javery1066.livejournal.com/
Monday, July 23, 2007
When Working to Live becomes Working to Work to Live
Yeah, that made my head hurt too.
I'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how I'm so interesting, I'm so great
I'm really just a f#!kup and it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week.
I don't know why this is on my mind so ominously lately. Maybe it's the realization that I really am about to turn 30 and I really need to figure my shit out right quick. Or maybe it's just against my nature to be chained behind a desk. But then, that's just a cop-out. I wonder if ANYONE was meant to be chained behind a desk. And that makes me appear too "special" because I most certainly am about as normal as anyone - almost.
In any case, the point is, that there are not enough hours in a day. There are a thousand things I could be doing right now that could improve my mind, body, and/or spirit, but I can't because I'm trapped in the system of which everyone is a part. Money. You need money to eat, live, and in most cases, you need money to make money. So you have to work.
And while I'm sitting behind my desk doing nothing because all my work is done yet I have to stick around and wait for the phone to ring the two more times it might today, I can see our future (and our present) just as clear as day:
All our little spinning hamster wheels force the other little hamsters run in their wheels faster and vice versa and the cycle continues until half the little hamsters die of massive embolisms or heart attacks because they've been too busy worrying about the other little hamsters that make them look bad to realize that they were sick.
It's really quite depressing. We're too busy to raise our children right, too busy to enjoy ourselves, and too busy to take care of ourselves. I don't think this is what God intended.
I want to finish my book. I want to listen to my music. I want to learn how to crochet. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to play around with my massive collection of craft paint. I want to travel. Yeah, I know I'm whining, but everybody has a list like this. It just doesn't seem right.
Tonight, for instance, I have to do laundry (which I probably won't do), write an article for NERA, do my Medical Terminology homework, study for a test, and read more Harry Potter. And folks wonder why I always stay up past one AM most nights.
So I do my best. I'm taking my MT classes to ease the stress of destitution a little, and I do what I can on the weekend. So I suppose we'll find a way. Reckon?
Well, I couldn't find the song I quoted ("I'm Free Now") but here's "Buena" by Morphine. Same album at least.
I'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how I'm so interesting, I'm so great
I'm really just a f#!kup and it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week.
I don't know why this is on my mind so ominously lately. Maybe it's the realization that I really am about to turn 30 and I really need to figure my shit out right quick. Or maybe it's just against my nature to be chained behind a desk. But then, that's just a cop-out. I wonder if ANYONE was meant to be chained behind a desk. And that makes me appear too "special" because I most certainly am about as normal as anyone - almost.
In any case, the point is, that there are not enough hours in a day. There are a thousand things I could be doing right now that could improve my mind, body, and/or spirit, but I can't because I'm trapped in the system of which everyone is a part. Money. You need money to eat, live, and in most cases, you need money to make money. So you have to work.
And while I'm sitting behind my desk doing nothing because all my work is done yet I have to stick around and wait for the phone to ring the two more times it might today, I can see our future (and our present) just as clear as day:
All our little spinning hamster wheels force the other little hamsters run in their wheels faster and vice versa and the cycle continues until half the little hamsters die of massive embolisms or heart attacks because they've been too busy worrying about the other little hamsters that make them look bad to realize that they were sick.
It's really quite depressing. We're too busy to raise our children right, too busy to enjoy ourselves, and too busy to take care of ourselves. I don't think this is what God intended.
I want to finish my book. I want to listen to my music. I want to learn how to crochet. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to play around with my massive collection of craft paint. I want to travel. Yeah, I know I'm whining, but everybody has a list like this. It just doesn't seem right.
Tonight, for instance, I have to do laundry (which I probably won't do), write an article for NERA, do my Medical Terminology homework, study for a test, and read more Harry Potter. And folks wonder why I always stay up past one AM most nights.
So I do my best. I'm taking my MT classes to ease the stress of destitution a little, and I do what I can on the weekend. So I suppose we'll find a way. Reckon?
Well, I couldn't find the song I quoted ("I'm Free Now") but here's "Buena" by Morphine. Same album at least.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
"A 68 is Passing in Alabama..."
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your mouth,
Blowing down the backroads headin' south.
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth,
You're an idiot, babe.
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.
I tried my best to keep from laughing when I heard a young lady from my Anatomy class speak those words; "Hell yeah, a 68 is passing in Alabama." But in the process of trying not to laugh, the slight depression set in. The depression of a former teacher who is surrounded by people who probably would have been responsible for her five gray hairs had these folks been in her class.
It really annoys me how so many people place little to no value on education or intelligence. The perfect example of this is my Anatomy class. I make really good grades in that class because...well...it's really friggin' easy. It's not like a pre-med anatomy class. It's more "Anatomy Lite." It's all common sense and a little Latin. In any case, I continue to get flashbacks to high school because I often get comments like "What'd you make, a hundred and three?" and then I am ignored. You might as well put a stamp on my forehead that says "pariah."
It's not that this hurts my feelings anymore because it doesn't. I learned my lesson about being needlessly embarassed by my grades in high school. My frustration has absolutely nothing to do with me. I just really worry about the state of the world when a 68 is considered a good grade.
Over the years, the manner in which we do things has become less and less "thought-friendly." Instead of reading books most folks just watch a movie or TV. Education promotes test scores as opposed to actual knowledge and students aren't taught how to think or apply what they've memorized. Often, conversation is limited to gossip or what we saw on that show or that. Instead of getting outside, a lot of folks just stay in with the Playstation or whatever the big game machine is now.
Now, this is not to say that these things don't have their place. Yes, I miss my cable sometimes and yes sometimes my conversation is limited to music or movies. I watch movies all the time and I admit that I am slightly addicted to Civilization III and The SIMS. Everyone should enjoy these types of simple pleasures. My concern is the total lack of any desire to do anything that might make a person actually THINK. A lot of folks will do anything in their power to avoid answering a tough question or solving a difficult problem or reflecting on an issue.
I'm probably just babbling, but this really bothers me. What is this country's problem with being educated or smart? All the way up until about 1930 or 1940, everyone was still taught Latin. Latin is a major key to so many other things: law, composition, medicine, physics, foreign (romance) languages, etc. Now you're doing well to find a high school (or college) that even offers it as a course. Meanwhile, overseas, it's not uncommon (AT ALL) to find someone who can speak at least three languages fluently. A lot of Americans still struggle with English.
I recently saw Idiocracy. It's a dreadful movie, but it makes an interesting point. Most of the movie is set in the future. It's a future in which humanity has actually deevolved. Instead of getting stronger and smarter, human beings had gotten considerably less intelligent - almost a regression back to cavemen. The cause for this (as explained in the movie) was an oversaturation of advertisments (i.e. corporations control EVERYTHING - I mean EVERYTHING); too much reproduction from the *ahem* shallower end of the gene pool; and too little reproduction from the deeper end. It's a silly idea, but one that anyone (especially anyone surrounded by Jerry Springer episodes) can easily see the basis of. It's scary to think of it, but I could almost see this being a possible reality.
I hope I'm not coming off as elitist or snooty. I just wish the populous would develop a natural curiosity for more than pop singers and reality shows.
Being maybe slightly hypocritical in my choice of video today. Just seemed appropriate. :^)
Blowing down the backroads headin' south.
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth,
You're an idiot, babe.
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.
I tried my best to keep from laughing when I heard a young lady from my Anatomy class speak those words; "Hell yeah, a 68 is passing in Alabama." But in the process of trying not to laugh, the slight depression set in. The depression of a former teacher who is surrounded by people who probably would have been responsible for her five gray hairs had these folks been in her class.
It really annoys me how so many people place little to no value on education or intelligence. The perfect example of this is my Anatomy class. I make really good grades in that class because...well...it's really friggin' easy. It's not like a pre-med anatomy class. It's more "Anatomy Lite." It's all common sense and a little Latin. In any case, I continue to get flashbacks to high school because I often get comments like "What'd you make, a hundred and three?" and then I am ignored. You might as well put a stamp on my forehead that says "pariah."
It's not that this hurts my feelings anymore because it doesn't. I learned my lesson about being needlessly embarassed by my grades in high school. My frustration has absolutely nothing to do with me. I just really worry about the state of the world when a 68 is considered a good grade.
Over the years, the manner in which we do things has become less and less "thought-friendly." Instead of reading books most folks just watch a movie or TV. Education promotes test scores as opposed to actual knowledge and students aren't taught how to think or apply what they've memorized. Often, conversation is limited to gossip or what we saw on that show or that. Instead of getting outside, a lot of folks just stay in with the Playstation or whatever the big game machine is now.
Now, this is not to say that these things don't have their place. Yes, I miss my cable sometimes and yes sometimes my conversation is limited to music or movies. I watch movies all the time and I admit that I am slightly addicted to Civilization III and The SIMS. Everyone should enjoy these types of simple pleasures. My concern is the total lack of any desire to do anything that might make a person actually THINK. A lot of folks will do anything in their power to avoid answering a tough question or solving a difficult problem or reflecting on an issue.
I'm probably just babbling, but this really bothers me. What is this country's problem with being educated or smart? All the way up until about 1930 or 1940, everyone was still taught Latin. Latin is a major key to so many other things: law, composition, medicine, physics, foreign (romance) languages, etc. Now you're doing well to find a high school (or college) that even offers it as a course. Meanwhile, overseas, it's not uncommon (AT ALL) to find someone who can speak at least three languages fluently. A lot of Americans still struggle with English.
I recently saw Idiocracy. It's a dreadful movie, but it makes an interesting point. Most of the movie is set in the future. It's a future in which humanity has actually deevolved. Instead of getting stronger and smarter, human beings had gotten considerably less intelligent - almost a regression back to cavemen. The cause for this (as explained in the movie) was an oversaturation of advertisments (i.e. corporations control EVERYTHING - I mean EVERYTHING); too much reproduction from the *ahem* shallower end of the gene pool; and too little reproduction from the deeper end. It's a silly idea, but one that anyone (especially anyone surrounded by Jerry Springer episodes) can easily see the basis of. It's scary to think of it, but I could almost see this being a possible reality.
I hope I'm not coming off as elitist or snooty. I just wish the populous would develop a natural curiosity for more than pop singers and reality shows.
Being maybe slightly hypocritical in my choice of video today. Just seemed appropriate. :^)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Wow, I'm a Student Again
I’m an expert on Shakespeare
And that’s a hell of a lot
But the world don’t need scholars
As much as I thought…
And this is exactly why I became an official student at Coosa Valley Technical College today. I’m glad Jamie Cullum (and over half of the English majors I’ve ever met) can commiserate.
When I was in high school and college, I was such a snob, thinking that Technical Colleges were so beneath me. What the hell ever. After receiving a rather brutal slap in the face that has repeated itself over and over again for the past five years, I have discovered that this could be the smartest thing this little scholar has ever done.
The idea to go into Medical Transcription actually originated when I rang up a former Shorter classmate and fellow English major at Barnes and Noble. She told me that she had gone into the field. She emphasized how simple it was to get the certification and how many jobs are out there and how well it pays. But for some stupid reason, I stayed put and held fast to the idea of raising the money to go ahead and get my MFA in Creative Writing. What the hell was I thinking?
After two more shitty retail jobs, a long stint as a substitute teacher, and now my good, but boring and less-than-lucrative office job, I’ve finally awakened and realized that there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to get to Graduate School like this. So the idea came to my head again. This happened relatively recently. My usual process of implementing a plan like this is to think about it for six months, talk about it, and procrastinate. But I’ve run out of time for that idiocy. Now is the time for action, damn it. So I went to CVT about two weeks ago and gathered all the information and paperwork. And today, I turned it in, signed up for at least one class (I’ll have two before the end of the week – gotta figure out which of the business courses I’ve got to take first), got a T-shirt, and walked out an official student at a technical college. Classes start April 2nd. Talk about action.
To tell you the truth, I’m rather excited. I looked over the course descriptions and (I think / hope) this is going to be a cakewalk that will end in a much wider job market for me. Shoot, man, one of the classes is Medical Terminology, which puts an emphasis on learning the histories, etymologies, roots, suffixes, and prefixes of medical terms. What could be more up my ally; word-obsessed geek that I am? Plus Biology was the only class I actually ACED in college. Odd for an English major, huh?
I really do miss being a student and taking classes. I’ve always been a geek, yes. I loved classes in college. I hated tests and papers, but I loved the classes. I can already see bringing in my list of Latin and Greek roots, suffixes, and prefixes; and my classmates begging me to bring copies to help them study. I suppose it’ll also be a bit weird to be in a desk as opposed at the front of the classroom, teaching. It’s been a long time since the tables were turned. But it’ll probably be a relief too.
My only concern at this point is…well…not so much my classmates, but myself. I admit that there is still a bit of an elitist in me, which is ridiculous because I have no real right to feel superior to anyone. I hope that reality has knocked enough of that out of me that it will become a non-issue once I get started. And I am a little nervous about how my classmates will take me. I can’t help the words I use or the way I organize notes or the way I naturally make worksheets for myself (there’s still a little bit of teacher in me too). I just hope they won’t think I’m uppity for these things. From what I understand, there aren’t many college graduates attending the Calhoun campus of CVT, so I’ll really have to watch myself and what I say lest I be thought “high and mighty.”
Because, truth be told, I’m a mite lonely. It’ll be nice to make some new friends and to have conversations every once in a while. Misha’s still in Rome, but she’s so busy and she has a boyfriend, so I can’t see her as much as I’d like. And Krishna had to up and get married and move to Florida. :^( (But she knows I still love her). So I’m kind of on my own a lot. Although much of it is my own fault for being so shy and having this weird thing in my head that makes me feel like I’m bugging people when I call them…Well, that’s another issue for another day.
In any case, it will be really nice to be able to use my vocal chords some a couple days out of the week. And it’ll be really nice to have the prospect of a more substantial career.
And now, just because I’ve discovered how much The Replacements kick ass, here’s “The Ledge.”
More on my recent musical epiphanies here – if you’re bored and so inclined.
And that’s a hell of a lot
But the world don’t need scholars
As much as I thought…
And this is exactly why I became an official student at Coosa Valley Technical College today. I’m glad Jamie Cullum (and over half of the English majors I’ve ever met) can commiserate.
When I was in high school and college, I was such a snob, thinking that Technical Colleges were so beneath me. What the hell ever. After receiving a rather brutal slap in the face that has repeated itself over and over again for the past five years, I have discovered that this could be the smartest thing this little scholar has ever done.
The idea to go into Medical Transcription actually originated when I rang up a former Shorter classmate and fellow English major at Barnes and Noble. She told me that she had gone into the field. She emphasized how simple it was to get the certification and how many jobs are out there and how well it pays. But for some stupid reason, I stayed put and held fast to the idea of raising the money to go ahead and get my MFA in Creative Writing. What the hell was I thinking?
After two more shitty retail jobs, a long stint as a substitute teacher, and now my good, but boring and less-than-lucrative office job, I’ve finally awakened and realized that there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to get to Graduate School like this. So the idea came to my head again. This happened relatively recently. My usual process of implementing a plan like this is to think about it for six months, talk about it, and procrastinate. But I’ve run out of time for that idiocy. Now is the time for action, damn it. So I went to CVT about two weeks ago and gathered all the information and paperwork. And today, I turned it in, signed up for at least one class (I’ll have two before the end of the week – gotta figure out which of the business courses I’ve got to take first), got a T-shirt, and walked out an official student at a technical college. Classes start April 2nd. Talk about action.
To tell you the truth, I’m rather excited. I looked over the course descriptions and (I think / hope) this is going to be a cakewalk that will end in a much wider job market for me. Shoot, man, one of the classes is Medical Terminology, which puts an emphasis on learning the histories, etymologies, roots, suffixes, and prefixes of medical terms. What could be more up my ally; word-obsessed geek that I am? Plus Biology was the only class I actually ACED in college. Odd for an English major, huh?
I really do miss being a student and taking classes. I’ve always been a geek, yes. I loved classes in college. I hated tests and papers, but I loved the classes. I can already see bringing in my list of Latin and Greek roots, suffixes, and prefixes; and my classmates begging me to bring copies to help them study. I suppose it’ll also be a bit weird to be in a desk as opposed at the front of the classroom, teaching. It’s been a long time since the tables were turned. But it’ll probably be a relief too.
My only concern at this point is…well…not so much my classmates, but myself. I admit that there is still a bit of an elitist in me, which is ridiculous because I have no real right to feel superior to anyone. I hope that reality has knocked enough of that out of me that it will become a non-issue once I get started. And I am a little nervous about how my classmates will take me. I can’t help the words I use or the way I organize notes or the way I naturally make worksheets for myself (there’s still a little bit of teacher in me too). I just hope they won’t think I’m uppity for these things. From what I understand, there aren’t many college graduates attending the Calhoun campus of CVT, so I’ll really have to watch myself and what I say lest I be thought “high and mighty.”
Because, truth be told, I’m a mite lonely. It’ll be nice to make some new friends and to have conversations every once in a while. Misha’s still in Rome, but she’s so busy and she has a boyfriend, so I can’t see her as much as I’d like. And Krishna had to up and get married and move to Florida. :^( (But she knows I still love her). So I’m kind of on my own a lot. Although much of it is my own fault for being so shy and having this weird thing in my head that makes me feel like I’m bugging people when I call them…Well, that’s another issue for another day.
In any case, it will be really nice to be able to use my vocal chords some a couple days out of the week. And it’ll be really nice to have the prospect of a more substantial career.
And now, just because I’ve discovered how much The Replacements kick ass, here’s “The Ledge.”
More on my recent musical epiphanies here – if you’re bored and so inclined.
Monday, February 5, 2007
"It's that kind of town and you're so far down you can't get up....
...I can't tell you what to sell and how to tow the line
and when to just give up."
Well, at least that's how I feel at the moment.
We all come to crossroads, and despite the fact that it's a very trite metaphor, it's a true one.
I found myself in that all too familiar situation of the recent breakup, and although breaking up with someone and one's career path seem to be unrelated, in the case of those of us who think too much, the lack of such a successful distraction as a lukewarm relationship can prove to be very eye-opening. You wake up single and think, "Now what have I forgotten to do since I started dating him?" My particular answer to that question was, "Oh yeah. You forgot to get out of your 5-year rut."
My rut has to do mostly with my lack of satisfying employment or a satisfying post-graduate degree. Sadly, this rut has also left me destitute and unable to do whatever I please with my time and job search and education.
So comes the crossroads. Do you stagnate here in a land of carpet mills and outlet malls or do you take a risk and try it out someplace else. Well, obviously the latter is the best choice. But it's much more easily said than done. Because many more questions arise. Where do you go? What do you do about work? What if Grandmother gets worse and the folks need your help? How in the name of all that is holy do you afford it? Hmm..Tricky.
I know I will figure it out and I know all will be well, and I'm not asking advice or pity. I just wonder what others would do in this situation. English degree, allergic to teaching, trying to finish a book that you can't focus on because you're too worried about money...Tricky indeed.
So I thus embark on the great coming of age moment that has been much delayed for me. Y'all bear with me.
Aaron, you've created a blogging monster. It was the Storm Trooper. Had to be.
Here's a nice little video of The Drive By Truckers. In lieu of "Easy on Yourself," their song that I quoted (couldn't find an embedable one), here's one of "Never Gonna Change." Enjoy the beautiful Southern grit.
and when to just give up."
Well, at least that's how I feel at the moment.
We all come to crossroads, and despite the fact that it's a very trite metaphor, it's a true one.
I found myself in that all too familiar situation of the recent breakup, and although breaking up with someone and one's career path seem to be unrelated, in the case of those of us who think too much, the lack of such a successful distraction as a lukewarm relationship can prove to be very eye-opening. You wake up single and think, "Now what have I forgotten to do since I started dating him?" My particular answer to that question was, "Oh yeah. You forgot to get out of your 5-year rut."
My rut has to do mostly with my lack of satisfying employment or a satisfying post-graduate degree. Sadly, this rut has also left me destitute and unable to do whatever I please with my time and job search and education.
So comes the crossroads. Do you stagnate here in a land of carpet mills and outlet malls or do you take a risk and try it out someplace else. Well, obviously the latter is the best choice. But it's much more easily said than done. Because many more questions arise. Where do you go? What do you do about work? What if Grandmother gets worse and the folks need your help? How in the name of all that is holy do you afford it? Hmm..Tricky.
I know I will figure it out and I know all will be well, and I'm not asking advice or pity. I just wonder what others would do in this situation. English degree, allergic to teaching, trying to finish a book that you can't focus on because you're too worried about money...Tricky indeed.
So I thus embark on the great coming of age moment that has been much delayed for me. Y'all bear with me.
Aaron, you've created a blogging monster. It was the Storm Trooper. Had to be.
Here's a nice little video of The Drive By Truckers. In lieu of "Easy on Yourself," their song that I quoted (couldn't find an embedable one), here's one of "Never Gonna Change." Enjoy the beautiful Southern grit.
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