Monday, July 23, 2007

When Working to Live becomes Working to Work to Live

Yeah, that made my head hurt too.

I'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how I'm so interesting, I'm so great
I'm really just a f#!kup and it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week.

I don't know why this is on my mind so ominously lately. Maybe it's the realization that I really am about to turn 30 and I really need to figure my shit out right quick. Or maybe it's just against my nature to be chained behind a desk. But then, that's just a cop-out. I wonder if ANYONE was meant to be chained behind a desk. And that makes me appear too "special" because I most certainly am about as normal as anyone - almost.

In any case, the point is, that there are not enough hours in a day. There are a thousand things I could be doing right now that could improve my mind, body, and/or spirit, but I can't because I'm trapped in the system of which everyone is a part. Money. You need money to eat, live, and in most cases, you need money to make money. So you have to work.

And while I'm sitting behind my desk doing nothing because all my work is done yet I have to stick around and wait for the phone to ring the two more times it might today, I can see our future (and our present) just as clear as day:

All our little spinning hamster wheels force the other little hamsters run in their wheels faster and vice versa and the cycle continues until half the little hamsters die of massive embolisms or heart attacks because they've been too busy worrying about the other little hamsters that make them look bad to realize that they were sick.

It's really quite depressing. We're too busy to raise our children right, too busy to enjoy ourselves, and too busy to take care of ourselves. I don't think this is what God intended.

I want to finish my book. I want to listen to my music. I want to learn how to crochet. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to play around with my massive collection of craft paint. I want to travel. Yeah, I know I'm whining, but everybody has a list like this. It just doesn't seem right.

Tonight, for instance, I have to do laundry (which I probably won't do), write an article for NERA, do my Medical Terminology homework, study for a test, and read more Harry Potter. And folks wonder why I always stay up past one AM most nights.

So I do my best. I'm taking my MT classes to ease the stress of destitution a little, and I do what I can on the weekend. So I suppose we'll find a way. Reckon?

Well, I couldn't find the song I quoted ("I'm Free Now") but here's "Buena" by Morphine. Same album at least.


  1. I'm remarkably free. It takes a lot of effort to be this lazy. I appreciate every hour I don't get anything accomplished! :D

  2. Poor Jennifer. I can't say I know how you feel. I kinda like being 'chained' to my desk 8 hours a day. :) But I work 7:30-4. :)~ Kitty sends mrows.
    However, I do know what you mean about not enough hours in a day. I want to go back to grad school, continue tutoring,, go to Europe for 4 months, find kick-ass new music, learn to do something useful in my spare time and learn/find out who "Krishna" is.
    We always find time to do everything that is on our lists. My one piece of parting advice is two-fold: a. HURRY THE HELL UP AND FINISH HARRY POTTER! (I <3 Jennifer) b. Don't get bogged down with things you can't change and enjoy what you can change.

  3. (Found you via Aaron's blog)I am having a hard time with the work ball and chain too these days. I'm impressed that you are committed enough to stay up late and do some of the things you enjoy...lots of times I turn into a vegetable after work. I don't want my fun side to wither away! thanks for reminding me not to be another hamster. :)


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