Starting on New Year's Eve, I've sensed a shift in the vapors that make the world mysterious. It could just be a shift in myself, but it seems like it's affected everything in some ways. Haven't decided about that part yet.
It started for me when I was in line for the Jason Isbell gig at The Honest Pint in Chattanooga on New Year's Eve. The folks in front of me hadn't gotten their tickets yet, so I offered my extra to one of them. In their gratitude, they bought me a beer. Nice. Afterward, I felt a great surge of helpfulness. I offered extra chairs at my table to strangers, helped people find ashtrays and tipped my server as well as I could. The show was incredible too. It felt good to be helpful and everyone was in a great mood. I mean EVERYONE in the bar. Even Isbell and his band.
Since then, I've continued to try to be a little more friendly to folk. By nature, I'm taciturn and even a tad antisocial because I'm reserved and rarely find compelling conversation to be had. But I've found folks to be a little more easy-going so far this year. Again, it may just be me. I've had lovely conversations with a lot of different people, new and old. It's like some wall has been dropped or the mysterious vapors have thinned. I've discovered a new well of confidence in myself and I feel better than I have in years. I don't feel as isolated. Every time I go out, I see friends to talk to or someone willing to play a game of chess. That's probably always been the case, but I suppose I'm more willing to approach them now.
I'm still broke most of the time, but it doesn't get to me like it used to. I've learned to conserve better and to deal with what I've got instead of fretting over what I don't.
And it's paid off. I just worry that everything will crash down again. It's been a long time since I had any measurable confidence in myself. I just have to learn to roll with it better than I have, I reckon.
I just feel different for some reason. Freer maybe. I had a dream a couple nights ago that really cemented that. All it involved was a door opened suddenly into a blue night with forest and maybe mountains beyond. It opened so quickly, it startled me awake. But it didn't scare me. I went back to sleep feeling more at ease. I slept very well that night. I always sleep well, but I slept VERY well after that.
And I've slept well every night since.