Years ago, after I broke up with a horrible ex, he screamed and yelled at me and cursed me. Literally. His words were, "I curse you! I hope you'll never be happy!"
A horrible thing to wish on someone whether you believe in curses or not. I'm not sure if I do believe in curses, but sometimes I worry that his had some power behind it. Because I can't seem to satisfy myself with anything lately. Christmas is looking rather gray because I'm broke and I can't do what I'd like for my family and friends. And my future is just so uncertain. There are so many things I want to do, but they all require money, which is something I've never been blessed with. I wouldn't care anything about it if it wasn't required for EVERYTHING. I can't even go visit friends or family out of state without worrying about how I'm going to pay for the gas to get there.
Beyond that, I want to go back to school, travel, enjoy a concert every once in a while, spend all day in a museum. These things should be so simple, but seem incredibly far away to me right now. I work hard and try to entertain myself, give myself projects to keep me sane, hang out with friends and enjoy occasional company, but nothing contents me anymore. I'm restless and I feel useless.
Then comes the part when I tell myself it's all my own fault. If I was braver or more willing to give up the things that give me comfort, maybe I'd be closer to where I feel I should be at this age. Then I worry about getting older and becoming the ridiculous old woman at the bar who everybody thinks is crazy because she drove away the ones who loved her and the ones she loved never loved her back. I sometimes see myself as that old lady that younger poets write about and that makes people thankful for what they have.
I am thankful for what I have, but this little part of me that I wish I could switch off can't stop thinking about the things I don't. I know I have to learn to roll with it and not worry about it or I have to figure out a way to earn those things I don't have. I just don't know where to start or what path would lead me there. I used to comfort myself with the thought that "I'll figure it out someday." But now I'm getting too old for that. Maybe that's what has kept me from the success (or at least the CONTENTMENT) I always imagined. That procrastination. That "I'll figure it out eventually" mindset.
But how do you get out of that? I've made so many weird plans that never happened because something else got in the way. Maybe I've been too busy looking for an easier path to see the one I really want to follow. But after so long, how do you start over with no resources. I've been wandering the woods too long. I've run out of food and water and my clothes are threadbare. I'm afraid now I'd never survive that rougher path.
Sorry for the despair, folks. Just having one of those moments. I'll get over it and reset myself. I've done it plenty of times. I'll reset myself and start looking around for that path I probably didn't see before. Retrace my steps. Maybe I won't end up back here again.